to thine own self: part the second- the satisfaction cup theory

Happy Friday friends.

I meant to have this message up first thing this morning but, well life happened.

First off, a big thank you to all of you who have contacted me about my post "To Thine Own Self".  I have received more emails, facebook messages and phone calls about that post than anything else I have ever written.  All of you are thanking me for having written it, but the truth is, I need to be thanking you for all your feedback. It has been a long journey for me and it makes my heart sing that others can also benefit.

I wrote the basic bones of what I do in my life to stay the happiest possible.  There is more. I never intended to write "how to" guides on being happy. I feel like I am much more adept at writing about hot glue and paint, than self improvement. However, I also want to share the things that make my life better. I think we should all be a lot more forth coming with the things that could help other people.

So I'm writing today to share with you the theory of the "Satisfaction Cup".  My father came up with this theory some years ago. Our entire family has adopted it into our lives. It goes something like this:

Everyday you wake up with an empty cup to fill.  During the day, you will fill this cup with the things you do. Every person has a different recipe for what they need to fill their cups with in order to feel happy and satisfied by the end of the day. For example, I have learned that everyday, I need to have a few hours of productive work, a few hours of creativity, some quality time with my family, exercise, a little play and down time.  If I can fit all these things into my day, I go to bed tired and very happy.

Like I said before, everyone is different. My best friend needs a lot of play in her day to feel satisfied. Another friend needs a little service to others to be happy.  You might need reading time or religious worship or lot of time to sit and do nothing. You must get real with yourself and figure out what it is you need to feel satisfied at the end of the day.

Keep in mind that there are days that vary. For instance, if you go on vacation, your day will be very different. Sundays at my house are different from other days of the week. The satisfaction cup is a general application to your everyday routine.

You will know at the end of the day if your cup isn't full. The feeling is unmistakable. You feel hungry. Maybe literally hungry, maybe figuratively hungry. If I find myself snacking late at night it is most often because my cup didn't get filled for the day. I'm not really hungry for food, I'm just trying to satisfy. Sometimes I do other things at the end of the day like waste time on the internet shopping or channel surf on t.v.  Most often the things we do when our cups hasn't been filled are negative and unproductive.  Sometimes they are even destructive, like picking fights with people or gossiping.

Yesterday I filled my cup to overflowing. I got up and got the kids bathed and dressed. Took The Boy to school and then took the two babies to the doctor for check-ups (work). After the doctor we went to TJMaxx and I shopped for a birthday gift (play). Then we went home and we had a picnic outside for lunch (quality family time). Then I ran on the treadmill and did sit-ups (exercise). I cycled the wash, did a little work on the computer, did a general pick-up through my house and baked a cake for Frankie's birthday party tomorrow (work). I took The Boy to scouts and then I spent some time creating party hats and favours for the party (creativity). We had dinner together and studied spelling words and then it was time for pajamas and bed and then a little veg time holding the babies and watching kids shows (down time). At this point I was absolutely exhausted and I ended up falling asleep instead of writing this post. But it didn't matter because my cup was already full and I was satisfied.

Not everyday is this busy or this productive. But if I can squeeze in just enough of everything I need to feel happy and satisfied, in the evening I know that my overall outlook on life will be healthy and upbeat.

Everyday you empty the contents of your satisfaction cup into your "Life Satisfaction Cup". If this cup isn't kept full, you will start to feel the effects. You will have a searching feeling. You will feel unsatisfied with the life you are living. You will tend to focus on the negative things instead of the things that make you happy.

So here's what you need to do: 

First, identify what it is you personally need in each day to feel happy and productive. Be honest. I wish I could say that giving service was one of the things I need. Alas, it is not. Think about how your long term goals play into this.

Second, check yourself throughout your day to make sure you are managing your time so that you will be able to get in all the things you need.

Third, know that everyday is different and be flexible.  If you work like a dog one day, you might not need much work in the days that follow to feel satisfied.

As I said before, happiness is not an absolute. There are so many factors that happen in our lives that play into how we feel emotionally. But the point is to work on those things that we can control.

Working toward happiness is always much better than the alternative.

Next Friday I will share with you the last aspect of my own person happiness plan. I hope you find these things as pertinent as you did the concepts in the first post.

Now carpe the diem out of today!

Sharing pics of Frankie Valentine's second birthday on Monday!

this life

1. Blue-Gray Pumpkins, 2. European Eagle Owl - Black and White, 3. Untitled, 4. Lecidea lapicida 20040404_5469

Aren't grey pumpkins just the cat's pajamas? I'm so glad they exist.

I went down the way to get the mail and the crew moseyed along behind me. The dog sniffed and peed. Little Frankie Valentine squinted up at the rooftops where the crows where having some sort of heated conversation. The Bird smelled the neighbors roses, because she is a girl and this is what girls do.

And then we found the crunchy leafs. And we stomped on them and the sound was delightful. Better even than popping bubble wrap.

There were only bills in the mail.

The bug prevention man told me to watch out for black widows because they come closer to the house when the weather cools.

I fell madly in love with a dress. But the only size left was a size too small, but I bought it anyway. I'm being optimistic. Final sale. No returns.

I have been sharpening lots of pencils in my studio and sometimes, as I'm passing by, I stick my head in the room and breath in that wonderful smell of wood and graphite.

Life is happening. The minutes are adding up. I believe that if I don't enjoy this life I have, it is an insult to God.

On that note, I'd also like to say that I really love orange and grey together. So happy we have those colors aren't you?

among the living

When I was growing up my best friend also happened to be my first cousin. Convenient little miracle for our mothers, I'd say.

I was two months her elder but she was the leader. I always felt that she was smarter, faster, prettier. I tried to copy her penmanship. I wore the type of clothes she wore. I tried, unsuccessfully, to emulate her too cool for school attitude.

Our friendship was epic. She was the center of my universe.  I lived for the summers when we could spend weeks together. Her's was the only phone number I knew for many years.

When she went to prom I curled her hair and zipped her dress as she held her breath.  We talked about boys and other teenage stuff, but she was always more interested in adventure. She had an incredibly brave way about her, with a healthy dose of teenage invincibility on the side.

When we were eighteen, she was working for the forest service as a fire fighter.  I was in awe of her moxie. Her chutzpah. She did the things I would only dream of doing. She just did them. Like it was nothing. When we were eighteen she went hiking with her brother and in a freak accident she slipped and fell from a cliff. And she was gone.

And I was left behind.

At first, I felt the intense grief you would expect.  Shock and grief.  After just a little while I started to have intense feelings of embarrassment for still being alive.  I felt awkward and ridiculous.  I felt ashamed that I was going to college, dating boys, eating ice cream. Being in the presence of her parents was excruciating. I didn't know how to act. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

In the spirit of practicality, my aunt gave me a pair of her daughter's shoes.  They were a beautiful pair of boots that I loved. I tried to wear them, but they were a half size too small and after just a little while I realized they were the physical manifestation to how I felt. Like I had no business. Ridiculous. So I put them away in a dark corner of my closet.

Time passed and I got to a point where I could go weeks, sometimes months, without thinking of her. But every now and then I would have a series of dreams that would follow me throughout my days and the old feeling of guilt for still living would be there.  This continued throughout my twenties and early thirties.

Then I met Amelie's birth mother.  She shared not only the same first name as my cousin, but the same middle name and birth date. She had the same color hair and eyes. And she was also too cool for school. It was uncanny and unnerving and miraculous.  I felt that to deny the similarities as anything other than my cousin's hand in my daughter's birth would be a slap in the face to all I hold dear.

After Amelie was born, I felt set free. I felt that I had been given permission to enjoy my life. I haven't had any unnerving dreams for a long time now.  Happy childhood memories of our friendship have started to come back to me.  Just now, at thirty-seven, I feel that I can celebrate the times we had together instead of focusing on the terrible event of her death.

I wanted to write this down because although I have carried these things deep down in my heart, they have been a part of my life. They have had an effect on who I have become.  I feel it is time to let go. The beauty of a butterfly cannot be fully realized if you keep it cupped inside your hands.  One must open up and let go and watch it fly so that others can share in the beauty.

I want my children to know the story of how my cousin and best friend helped us become a family.

bliss

Sometimes bliss is work.

This is true.  Did you know that Van Gogh painted some nine hundred paintings during his lifetime and only sold one?  Nine hundred paintings people.  No wonder he went insane and ultimately took his own life. I believe he literally painted his heart and soul out onto the canvases.

A few years ago one of his sunflower paintings sold for close to forty million dollars.  That's the going price for heart and soul these days.

Unless you read this blog. Then you get heart and soul for free.

I'm in Houston, following my bliss.  I've been blogging for a long time.  A door has opened and I thought I'd come in and take a look around.

I'm not sure where this path will lead but I do know one thing.  When I write I don't loose my heart and soul. 

I find it.

“When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” -Joseph Campbell

shy girl

Here's how it all happened.

Andre the Greek had an intervention with me. This isn't a rare thing. Andre is prone to telling people exactly what he thinks they need to be doing with their life. He's outspoken, on account of him being Greek and all. The Greeks aren't a shy bunch.

So there was an intervention.

"I just don't get it.", I said.

"You need to talk more." Andre instructed.

"And don't stand like that with your arm crossed. You look pissed."

My whole life I'd been called the Ice Queen, snotty, reticent. I was quintessentially, wholly, frustratingly, misunderstood.

What I really am is shy. And if you aren't shy yourself, let me just define for you what is it to be shy.

Imagine yourself in a ballroom surrounded by beautiful people and you are standing in the middle in a bathing suit that is too small, with split ends and gnarly troll toes and a massive muffin top.

Yep, that just about covers it. So when you stand there with your arms crossed it's because you are trying to hold your boobs in, not because you are pissed.

But I had missed out on friendships. I had missed out on a lot of life. And it was time to change.

"I'm turning over a new leaf!" I announced.

But in their hearts, no one believed me. Hell, I didn't even believe me.

I started small. I talked more. I introduced myself to one new person a week.

It's been almost four years of Project New Leaf. The Ice Queen is almost melted away. Sadly though, it hasn't gotten a whole lot easier for me. I still want to crawl back into my shell. And I want my shell to be stocked with art supplies and cup cakes.

The problem lies in my approach. It's problematic. I have a hard time gauging how much of myself to share. More often than not, I hit people like a paintball to the face. (Robin's egg blue paint of course.) They stand with wide eyes and their hair blown back trying to process what has happened. I want to be like a waft of exotic perfume. Something floral and spicy with just enough scent to leave people on their tip toes searching for just one more whiff.

It's a hard thing for me. I stand back and watch those of you out there that are naturals and I wonder if you know what a gift you have. Charisma.

But I'm holding on tight to my new leaf. It usually takes me three miles of running before I hit my stride. Someday I'll figure it all out.

And for now, I can continue to hide behind my beloved monitor in my too tight swimsuit and speak freely without my usual insecurities. 

I promise to only hit you with a paintball post every now and then.