Monday, October 25, 2010

gingerbeards


I'm not one for facial hair. It's not that I don't like how it looks. It's that I don't like how it feels. I can't abide a brillo pad scruffing up my face.

The Sugar Daddy has a penchant for facial hair. And so goes the battle...

I'm in the kitchen, in my bathrobe, chopping carrots and tossing them into the crock pot. Sugar Daddy comes into the kitchen and pours himself a bowl of cereal. Very nonchalant like.

"I see you haven't shaven today." I say not looking at him.

"Uh huh." He mumbles through his cereal.

"Growing a beard again?" I ask, still not looking at him.

"I thought I'd let it grow and enjoy my manhood for a while."

"Well that's fine. You know what it means though." He ruminates on this for a while. He stands and brings his cereal bowl to the sink. The Bird runs over and affixes herself to his pant leg. "Da da da da da" she says looking up at him with silver dollar eyes.

"You know", he finally says turning to me, "It doesn't really matter because if it isn't you putting the kibosh on that, it's one of the kids. I'm becoming accustom to a life with no affection."

"I see. Well I'm sorry to hear that you are leading a life of solitude and desolation. I mean, how do you even carry on?"

The Bird is now twisting in and out of his legs repeating her mantra. "Da da da da da." He looks down at her and she says, "Hi." and flashes him a big tooth smile.

"You think it's a joke but I am seriously the one person in this house that doesn't seem to count. I mean, are you even making that dinner for me?"

"What? What are you talking about? I'm making this stew for our family. Would you like me to make you your own special bowl? I could make a smiley face out of cheese for the top."

The Bird has lost interest in legs and has decided to dismantle the Tupperware cupboard. Frankie Valentine is working up a fuss, which he tends to do when people argue. Sugar Daddy picks him up and comes back into the kitchen to deliver his retort.

"You could be married to Jeff." He says with his eyebrows raised nodding his head like he just gave me the what for.

"You could be married to Denise." I say softly.

Frankie Valentine is patting Sugar Daddy's spiky cheeks with his fat baby hands. His eyes are wide. At some point he decides he must have a taste and he comes at Ben with his mouth open.

After a moment I say, "Look honey, I just don't like the feeling of a beard on my face. It gives me the ebee jebees. You know that."

"Yes but do you know how many times I've had to deal with your sticky lip gloss? You don't see me refusing to kiss you."

"What sticky lip gloss?"

"You know that pinacolada crap you wear."

"Ben, I had that lip gloss when you were in law school. That's like twelve years ago."

"Still."

I let out a sigh and put the cover on the crock pot and set it for eight hours.

"All I can say is if you choose to keep that beard, you better save any piece of food you find in it because not only will you not get any lovin, you probably won't get any of this stew tonight either."

At this point The boy comes down, ready for school. He ignores me and goes strait to his dad. "Dad, tonight is man's night right? Just you and me right?"

There is a discussion about what will take place during man night until it is time to leave for school.

Ben is taking The Boy to school because he's helpful in that way and not at all like Jeff.

"One last thing," I say before they walk out the door. "Once you grow this beard, and start living as a hermit when nobody loves you, will you take the children with you?"

******************************

How to make a yarn beard

Supplies:
felt
yard
elastic
sewing machine

Step one:
Cut the felt to fit your face in the shape of a beard.  Draw three lines as guides onto the felt with a Sharpie.

Step two:
Loop the yarn in two to three inch loops. Following the guide lines you drew, sew the top of each loop onto the felt.  I find it easiest to loop the yarn as I sew.

Step three:
Sew elastic in between the rows of yarn on each side.

Step Four:
Snip the loops on the bottom.  Trim the beard.

Step Five:
When wearing your beard only speak to people with an accent.  Hillbilly or Irish brogue work well.


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12 comments:

JENNY K. said...

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secondsisterjewelry (at) yahoo.com
with my mailing address!!! This made my day even brighter. I'm so excited. I can't wait to get those festive goodies!!1

Nancy W said...

Oh how I enjoy reading your blog! Glad to see I'm not the only one that hates the beards ;) My hubby is bald and oh how I love it when he is smoothly shaven on his whole head, hehe. Well, except the eyebrows of course, LOL

Love the beard, you are so good!

Elizabeth said...

Hilarious -- and I'm thinking you should grow yourself a uni-brow and perhaps an itty bitty mustache as a show of camaraderie/solidarity with the husband's stubble.

The Dreaming Bear said...

Oh my goodnes....too funny!!!!

Sharon said...

Or the legs, let the stubble begin!!!

Bonnie said...

I hear you on the beard story...just something gross about it!Love your story....so real! You write so well.

Kari said...

Only a woman truly confident in her beauty can sport a full beard.
So glad to know that others use the "you could've married _____ " line . . . makes for a healthy marriage to remind them they're so much better off with you that the other options.

k a t y said...

Well. He's got a point. I mean Jeff is nice and all, but your Benjamin? He's a catch. My sister-in-law calls my brother husben. I think if you've got the name, you're set.

Also, while I'm thinking, I believe the yarn is way too soft for him to experience your shoes. Perhaps some steel wool? Of course, that would be quite difficult to sew, but worth every broken needle.

ps so nice to 'meet' you.

Natalie said...

oh my goodness - i love this entry - thank you so for putting a smile on my face.

Karen said...

You might just be the most normal womman I barely know. Love and keep a spark. Karen

Dianewr said...

This is so hilarious! I was just looking over your blog again and found this and it is so timely. The guy I work with shaved his beard which he has had most of his adult life. His wife had never seen him without it. She freaked, and has been asking me to make him one! I hope I can find the time with my daughters wedding only weeks away. It would be totally worth the time!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I used to have this argument all the time. The sweetest moment in our marriage was when I stopped using sex as a bargaining chip. I was free to just love him, beard and all. It hurt at first but it was beautiful and liberating to finally lay down my right to be right.