for the record

Henry Wyatt 10 weeks old

I've been thinking about infertility. Not sure why.

I don't have any grand bit of wisdom to impart.  I don't understand the complex emotions involved. I can't tell you how to deal with it.

But I know I made it through something like twelve years of wanting a child.  I know I am now standing on the other side of that trial and au revoir to that thankyouverymuch.

As I sit here on my sofa typing this, with slobber spots on my pants and little finger prints all over the furniture, these are the things that come to my mind. It's not wisdom. It's just what I know.

The joy we experienced when our children finally arrived was equal to, and may have even exceeded, the sorrow we felt at our darkest moments.

Unlike childbirth, you never forget the pain of not being able to have a child.

Just because you wanted children for much longer than most people doesn't mean your kids won't drive you up the wall. Just because you went through hell to get them here doesn't mean they will appreciate it. At the end of the day, you are just a parent like any other.

Refraining from buying baby things until you are pregnant is just a silly way of trying to insulate your feelings. Go ahead and buy stuff. It will put you ahead of the game when it finally happens.  Wanting those little baby things means you still have hope.

Feeling bitter and nasty towards others who are having babies is completely normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. However, if you behave badly in these circumstances, down the road the bitterness you feel will be of regret.

When you have infertility you must think of it as a war. You will loose battles. It will be expensive.  Plans will be made and then cast aside for new plans.  If you want to win, you will not retreat.  You will regroup and press forward.

And you will need a good mate for the fox hole. If this relationship isn't right, you might want to lay low and reconsider.

Here's the last thing I know. It took me years to realize this. In fact, it only dawned on me a few months ago.  I could never figure out why I had to go through infertility. What was I supposed to learn? Why was that part of my life path?

Here's what I know today. I had to experience infertility to lead me to adoption. I had to wait for my adopted children because at the time I started wanting them their birth mother was only fourteen. My children were to be born by this girl and only this girl. That was the plan. Sometimes the Lord has to work with logistics.

I'm not at all sure why I am writing this today.  Maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear this? I don't know.

But I'm writing it down. For the record.

obedience

Chapter 1

And now it came to pass in the commencement of the two thousandth and ninth year in reign of the judges over the land that the boy child was waxing old in years and large in stature. And in those days I, April was sore afraid that my womb would nevermore bear seed. And I pleaded daily with the Lord that I might add to my posterity.
2 But behold the Lord God, in his wisdom, answered that the time was not neigh.
3 Great was my disappointment and I was exceedingly wroth insomuch that I was determined to understand the cause of this neglect. And I didst speak strong words to the Lord in supplication for reason for my tribulation. But my mind was a stupor and my heart was heavy laden.
4 And while I pondered and lamented my life, behold, the Lord appeared to me in a dream, coming to me as a llama.
5 And I was chasten for my ingratitude.
6 And my heart was softened.

Chapter 2

And it came to pass that shortly after I humbled myself before the Lord that a messenger came bearing glad tidings.
2 And I was blessed with an iPhone with which I learned that my home would soon welcome a new babe, born of another woman's womb, but which was meant for me.
3 And this woman was fair in the sight of the Lord for her good works.
4 And the babe was brought forth and laid in my arms and angels sang hallelujah about me and I fell to my knees and asked the Lord for forgiveness for my faithlessness and iniquity.
5 And I gave thanks to the Lord all my days everafter.


Chapter 3

After these things were past, the Lord planted a seed in my heart that I might share a message of hope to those of his children who weep day and night in unbelief that their righteous desires might be granted them.
2 And I, being a lazy and slothful servant of the Lord, stalled.
3 But thus saith the Lord, speak these things that I have shown thee that others might find faith.
4 And I knew what the Lord would have me do, but my cynicism was neigh at hand and I knew the hearts of the barren children of God, and I feared that they would stone me with nasty comments on my blog.
5 And this I did know because I had cast a stone or two in my unrighteousness.
6 And the Lord, knowing me to be a lazy and weak servant, presented me with opportunity to speak the things which he bade me speak.
7 So it was that after many promptings from the Lord that I began to feel ashamed of my unwillingness to serve.
8 And it is after that manner that I write these things and hope that thou wilts hear my message and that if it is to fall upon a heart of stone that it might bring hope and certitude.



(I've been known to pick the scriptures up every now and then. Shut up. It's true.


Judge not, that ye be judged.


I don't mean any sacrilege, I just think that each of us is writing our own story and when you learn something valuable, you ought to write it down. The prophets of old did it and their posterity is still learning from them. I think I should too. Infertility runs in the family.)


Hebrews 11:11
Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised.

cloudy with a chance of blogging

The sky broke open and the rain is coming down. It is dark and quiet in my house. The baby is nestled down under the covers in her crib. I'm listening to Lissie while I work in my art room. The hound dog is sleeping at my feet and he only stirs to lift his head when the dryer buzzes.


I started to work on an article that I was asked to write about infertility, but I decided a rainy day isn't conducive to the hopeful feeling I wish to convey.


What does one say the infertile?


What is there to say anyway?


Why is rain inherently sad when it should be just the opposite? Rain makes everything grow. It gives life.


Today I want to think about rolling green fields, not barren wastelands.

full

I've never gone hungry.

Sure, there were times when I was first married that our cupboards were bare. One time we ate canned pineapple for a week until the next paycheck came. But the paycheck did come and we didn't loose any weight. Unfortunately for me.

My belly has never known true hunger.

But my heart has.

My heart has been cold and shrived and hard for want of a child. My heart has been starved to bitterness.

Sadly, I fear I didn't do very well on this life test.

This year my heart is big and full and bursting out of my chest. This Thanksgiving I fall to my knees and thank the Lord every chance I get for my miracle children.

This year my want is completely gone. This year I can't think of a single thing I don't already have.

Why am I so blessed?

Luck?

And so my prayer is one of much gratitude and thanksgiving with one more tiny request.

Please Lord, let me live a life deserving of all that I have.

lucky girls wear boots

Julie in the Sedona sun.

I'm a lucky girl in many little ways and some big ones. I scored big with my sister-in-law, Julie. My husband tortured this girl when they were growing up, and yet she still speaks to us. She is peaceful and fiery all at once. She is artsy and gutsy and tall and incredibly loving.

She is still the first one up on Christmas morning.

When I impulsively suggested that we get in the car and drive three hours to Gallup, New Mexico to check out the Native American jewelry there, she was totally on board. She's cool that way.

Julie also understands my struggles with infertility. She's been there herself. She is always willing to listen or pray or, in dire circumstances, buy me some fun thing to pick me up. Did I say she has great taste?

I love her.

My boots are covered in red dirt. One must always wear her boots in Sedona. I think it's written somewhere in the Bible.

The Boy is in pure dirt heaven. I've taken to calling him my little javelina. I think he only has one pair of clean pants left. He walked through three cactus plants yesterday. His dad carefully dislodged all known needles and he only whimpered a tiny bit. Ben is quite happy with the nature indoctrination program he has set forth for his son. They should be climbing Everest together by the time Thom turns ten.

I think I'll go to Gallup when they undertake their first expedition.

"look here" said the llama

I dreamt last night that I attended a very civilized luncheon hosted by a very distinguished llama. We had tomato bisque, sourdough rolls, Vietnamese spring rolls and Valentine's M&M's.

I was wearing a gorgeous chiffon evening gown the color of ripe limes with a large vintage broach, which I remember thinking, was made of real diamonds. I was self conscious that the dress was strapless and my hands fluttered nervously around my décolleté. I was also overly concerned with not spilling any soup on the broach. Obviously, it didn't belong to me.

"Look here," said the llama as he sat back in his seat, tugged on the bottom of his vest and adjusted his monocle. "It seems to me that a young woman like yourself needs only to look around at your splendid life to gain perspective. You seem to forget, dear girl, that you are one of the lucky few to have been born into high society. You have the world at your fingertips. You have only to reach out and grasp. All this moping and carrying on is very unbecoming a person of your position. Would you be so kind as to pass the butter?"

He sliced a roll in half, buttered it and added a happy face made of M&Ms.

I woke up with a sugar hangover and a new perspective. I'm not exactly 'high society', but I am ridiculously blessed in so many ways. I hope that in the future, I can curb any nasty little tantrums before they find their way onto my blog.

Shall we move on and pretend that Saturday never happened? I think the llama would approve.

Tomorrow is the big day! My one year blog celebration! AND I've got a giveaway! Come see what I have in store for all you lovely readers, who, by the way, I count amongst my many blessings.

alligator tears

Its a beautiful day here in Cali. The sun is beating down with all it's might and the winds are swirling around to create the perfect temperature. The birds as singing and we are talking about grilling up some king crab legs for dinner. And me? Well I feel like plucking off all the warbling birds with a bb gun, shutting all the blinds and eating Crisco from the can. In my world, today is grey and ugly.

I didn't think I'd ever be in this place again. I thought my angry infertility days were a thing of the past. Today proved me wrong. I'm just down right pissed.

If one more person says "oh don't worry, it will happen" I may just reach down their throat and rearrange their organs.

I laid on my bed and cried alligator tears. Why alligator? Because I am not only weak with sadness I am also ready to bite the head of anyone who crosses my path. You know what they say about wounded animals. Sugar Daddy laid beside me and rubbed my back unaware that any false move and he could have lost an arm.

This too shall pass. If I've learned one thing it is that time goes on and things iron themselves out. Besides, I must pull myself together for Monday's post. Suaviloquy is turning one and I have a super fun give away for you. I'll get right on that after I eat an entire tub of chunky monkey ice cream and sleep for 20 hours.


If you are wondering what you can do to cheer me up, I'm taking chocolate donations. Please send them c/o Infertile Myrtle.

of mice and men

People, there is a mouse in the house.

I had been blaming the nibbled fruit on the boy. In fact, I gave him an entire lecture about not taking just one bite out of the apples and pears. He was playing a video game at the time, and obviously he wasn't listening to me enough to even defend himself. Typical.

Rosa was here yesterday and she sleuthed out the mouse within minutes of her arrival. She's sharp like that. I stood there like the big oaf that I am (I always feel like a giant around Rosa, she's very little) and listened to her detective work. "You see dis right here? Dis isa poop. A poop a de mouse! You gotta de mouse en su casa! Es no goo. Es no goo Aprrrril." She set to work cleaning up the "poop a de mouse".

Now, I'm not too freaked out. We had a mouse in our house before and we caught him and set him free in a field. It was no big deal. But Sugar Daddy had to go and rate this situation an "R". For rat. That puts me over the edge.

The appearance of the mouse/rat is rather timely, or untimely, depending on how you look at it.

I've had a hankering lately. Whitman has been gone almost a year and I have started to feel a twinge when I see other cats. I have always wanted a big fluffy orange cat. I would get a girl and her name would be Matilda. Can't you just see her now, keeping my spot on the couch warm?

Sugar Daddy has said that we will not be getting another cat anytime soon in no uncertain terms. But I have my ways. I have been honing my womanly skills of persuasion for years now. He is powerless against me.

The truth of the matter is that I know exactly why I want a cat right now. It is another meager attempt to fill the baby void. I know this, but I can't seem to help myself. If someone doesn't get me something to mother quick, Matilda's movin' in. And I might even dress her baby clothes.

The little mouse bag was made by Syko. She has a delightful little Etsy shop you should check out. She is from Turku, Finland. She's not the allusive Miss Finland we are all waiting to hear from, but her work is charming!

pandemic

Is it just me or is the entire female population pregnant? Is there some kind of pregnancy pandemic? Is my Pur water pitcher filtering out what everyone else has been drinking?

I saw a woman who was probably about seventy and she looked pregnant. Scouts honor. She was walking around Sur La Table with a rotund belly that I swear could only be pregnancy related. Or maybe she had a tumor in which case I will be struck by lightning later today.

Everywhere I go I can't seem to escape big pregnant bellies. And it may just be my perception, but these women seem to want to draw attention to themselves with their exaggerated waddle and the braggy way they rest their hands across the wide expanse of their midsection.

Don't bother leaving me a comment in defense of the pregnant waddle. I'm being facetious and I'm not in the mood. I try not to moan too much about my barren womb, but to be honest infertility is a treasure trove of complaints. And every once in a while, like when the entire world gets pregnant except for me, my grievances come out.

Just give me this moment of ugliness and ingratitude. After All, tonight I will sit and flip through The Boy's baby photos and I will be shamed.

God has given us this precious gift. For years, I prayed on my knees, "Please Lord, grant us this blessing and we will be happy." I think I should make good on my word.

Thomas 3 weeks

And so, instead of feeling sorry for myself when I am SURROUNDED by preggies at the Target checkout, I am going to think about heartburn, constipation, nausea, weight gain, bloating and vaginal varicose veins. Ew.

And I'm going to be happy for myself.

a small encounter

Small Child: You know, we have more toys at our house than you do at yours.

Me: Oh well that is probably because we only have one kid in our family and you have three.

Small Child: Why do you only have one kid?

Me: Well . . . God has only given us one kid so far.

Small Child: Why?

Me: I don't know.

Small Child: Is he going to give you more kids?

Me: Yeah, I think we will be getting more kids.

Small Child: When?

Me: Don't know.

Small Child: Then how do you know you will get them?

Me: I just know.

Small Child: No, how do you know? You might not.

Me: A little birdy told me so.

Small Child: What? A bird? It could talk? What was it's name?

Me: Frank.

Small Child: Birds can't talk!

Me: Hummm. You believe whatever you want, but Frank and I talked all through lunch. I had ham on rye, he had tuna fish. He told me he gets really mad when little kids ask a lot of questions.

Small Child: You're just kidding. Frank didn't talk.

Me: Oh, you got me. I'm just being funny. Did you know that I have more friends than you? I even have friends in Finland. I guess that makes me the coolest. You better run along now, I think your mom is calling.

an empty room

Last night I was weak and foolish. I allowed myself to look at blogs that speculate about the wait for Chinese adoption. One site estimated that we should receive a referral for our daughter in June 2015.

I tiptoed through the dark up to my boy's room. I stood and listened to him breathing. I smelled his hair and held his hand. Then I walked down the hall to the empty room. The crib is still up from when Thom slept in it. The sheets are on the mattress. Pink clothes are hanging in the closet. We are waiting. It is hard.

moment of weakness

It's not that I have neglected my blog this week, it's just that I am having a "feel sorry for April" hiatus, which is unattractive and something I try not to air publicly. But some itches must be scratched, even if other people are watching. So if you just aren't in the mood for whining, click over to frecklednest.blogspot.com. She is in love and always very cheery.

***WARNING: WHINING AHEAD WARNING: WHINING AHEAD****

I'm thirty-four. 34!!!!! And I only have one kid. I know there are infertile people out there with no children who will read this and roll their eyes. That was me for 9 years of my life, so now it is my turn to have one and want more.

Thomas wants a sibling so bad he makes his friends (boys) play like they are his sister. It's pathetic.

This week I am so frustrated with the Chinese government adoption agency that I could just scream. The rate of child abandonment isn't down, yet they are working at a snail's pace. At this rate, we won't have Mei Mei until 2012! AHHHHHHHH.

Here they are. All lined up and ready for someone to snatch them up. I'll take the one with the chubby cheeks in the yellow Hello Kitty blanket please.

Missing Piece Necklace

Okay, now I'm done whining.