Wednesday, March 12, 2008

good grief

As I sit to write today, my heart is so heavy in my chest I can hardly breath. Yesterday, I lost my best friend in furry pajamas. Whitman had been struggling with kidney failure, and over the past few weeks it was getting the best of him. I decided I couldn't watch him loose any more weight or get any sicker. Our vet is really great and he made the experience a little easier.
I already miss the warmth of his little body nestled in the small of my back as I sit at the computer. He wasn't there this morning to watch me do my hair or put on my make-up. I didn't have to shew him off the bed to make it, or fill his water bowl. His sunny spot on the carpet sits empty. I have a headache from crying so much and I feel void of any creativity or enthusiasm.
One of my friends said she will never have pets because the pain is to hard to go through when they die. All I can say is that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I would never give up the memories I have just to save myself from sadness. Whitman was my surrogate child when I couldn't get pregnant. He relished my attention and purred like a motor boat.
So, although I wish I could walk past his sunny spot without crying or go an hour without second guessing my decision, I feel that this grief is good. The depth of my sorrow is only a measure of the joy he brought into my life.


Jennifer said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the hole you feel in your heart at the moment.
Just know that he had a wonderful life with people who loved him. And you let him go at the right time.
I'll be sending thoughts of peace your way...

Devon said...

Our beloved animals never live long enough but they give us SO much in that short amount of time. I agree, better to love and enjoy them even though it hurts to see them go. Take care, Devon

Anonymous said...

I hate that hallow feeling of sadness no matter what the cause. It's like all the sunshine in your life has been striped away. We cant avoid going through these times, especially when your heart gets broken. So go ahead and cry cause there it no reason to hold it in. Just know that, that sunshine will return and fill the hallow sadness.

Jill said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Whitman. I know how much he meant to you. Know that I am thinking about you and can't wait for our visit together in a few weeks.

Lots of love ... Jill

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but I have admired your etsy shop for a while. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet cat. I never leave comments on blogs but one sentence you wrote really hit me "Whitman was my surrogate child when I couldn't get pregnant." It took us 11 years to get pregnant with our first baby and during that time I had the greatest dog on the planet to fill that void. Sounds crazy to some people I guess. But, I just really resonated with you today. I still think about our dog daily even though he has been gone over a year. Grief is good and surprisingly grief eventually gives way to even greater creativity as our souls are enlarged through pain. I really believe that. Take care.