shy girl

Here's how it all happened.

Andre the Greek had an intervention with me. This isn't a rare thing. Andre is prone to telling people exactly what he thinks they need to be doing with their life. He's outspoken, on account of him being Greek and all. The Greeks aren't a shy bunch.

So there was an intervention.

"I just don't get it.", I said.

"You need to talk more." Andre instructed.

"And don't stand like that with your arm crossed. You look pissed."

My whole life I'd been called the Ice Queen, snotty, reticent. I was quintessentially, wholly, frustratingly, misunderstood.

What I really am is shy. And if you aren't shy yourself, let me just define for you what is it to be shy.

Imagine yourself in a ballroom surrounded by beautiful people and you are standing in the middle in a bathing suit that is too small, with split ends and gnarly troll toes and a massive muffin top.

Yep, that just about covers it. So when you stand there with your arms crossed it's because you are trying to hold your boobs in, not because you are pissed.

But I had missed out on friendships. I had missed out on a lot of life. And it was time to change.

"I'm turning over a new leaf!" I announced.

But in their hearts, no one believed me. Hell, I didn't even believe me.

I started small. I talked more. I introduced myself to one new person a week.

It's been almost four years of Project New Leaf. The Ice Queen is almost melted away. Sadly though, it hasn't gotten a whole lot easier for me. I still want to crawl back into my shell. And I want my shell to be stocked with art supplies and cup cakes.

The problem lies in my approach. It's problematic. I have a hard time gauging how much of myself to share. More often than not, I hit people like a paintball to the face. (Robin's egg blue paint of course.) They stand with wide eyes and their hair blown back trying to process what has happened. I want to be like a waft of exotic perfume. Something floral and spicy with just enough scent to leave people on their tip toes searching for just one more whiff.

It's a hard thing for me. I stand back and watch those of you out there that are naturals and I wonder if you know what a gift you have. Charisma.

But I'm holding on tight to my new leaf. It usually takes me three miles of running before I hit my stride. Someday I'll figure it all out.

And for now, I can continue to hide behind my beloved monitor in my too tight swimsuit and speak freely without my usual insecurities. 

I promise to only hit you with a paintball post every now and then.

one fruit loop shy of a full bowl

There are some things that you may not know about me. For starters, I'm more than a little shy.


This curse, this "bashfulness" as some kind people refer it trying to soften it around the edges and make it seem somehow cute or diminutive in order keep introverted people from further running away in terror, has followed me around the earth for years now. It has cost me friendships. Many indeed.


You see, I not only suffer from social anxiety, I have also developed a rather obnoxious coping mechanism. I become the Ice Queen. I somehow am able to not only not talk to the people I'd really like to get to know, I seem to be able to drive them away altogether.


And so, three years ago, when I knew we were moving to a new community, I decided to bust out of my icy shell and turn over a new leaf. I decide to force myself to do whatever was necessary to overcome my anxiety.


I have been fighting a good fight. It hasn't been pretty. Sometimes my palms sweat and I get random fits of diarrhea upon entering a party. But I'm making small strides. I have taken homemade gifts to all the neighbors. Even the ones I don't like. I made small talk with a pregnant girl on the beach and prayed that she couldn't see my sweat rings. But the story has a happy ending. We are now good friends.


My best friends will tell you I've really changed. It is getting easier for me to be friendly with strangers. Hopefully, the Ice Queen is gone for good.


So why am I telling you all of this? Because. This is why I blog. Well, truth be told I blog to promote my business, but it didn't start out that way. I started blogging because here on the web, with a monitor and a fair amount of miles between us, you can know me for who I really am. The good, the bad and the ugly. And it is easy peasy for me to say, "Hey you, your a fun girl. I think we should be friends." And hopefully, just hopefully, you feel the same.