i'm ready

1. Fallen Leaves, 2. Orange Pyracantha Berries, 3. The Ikea orange plaid, 4. Project 365 2010 - Day 52 - Orange Zest Makes Me Happy!

I've been gone a good spell. I've been traveling. Not in the physical sense. In the mental sense.

I've been thinking a fair bit. And wondering.

I've been fighting a battle with my insecurities and doubts.

I heard a friend sing a song that spoke strait to my heart.

And this same friend, well, she asked me, "Are you ready to step into your greatness?"

I had no answer. I didn't know if I was really ready to put my heart out on a platter.

But I do now.

Dear Sarah-

If you are reading this, I want you to know, I thought about it.

I'm ready.

hope

Download this free wall paper here.

Sometimes I like people more than they like me.  I'm pretty sure it has to do with the paint ball splat to the face approach I have when I first meet people.

I'm working on that by the way. The mystic space between Ice Queen and long lost friend alludes me.

And I gotta tell ya, it really doesn't feel very good to like someone more than they like you.  It hurts my spirit and it makes me want to stay in the safe cushy place called home where my children and husband love me like crazy cakes.

But a girl like me needs to stretch her wings every so often and fly away from the nest with other like minded girls for a nice lunch or something of that nature.

These other girls, well, they don't exactly come knocking on my door and I must seek them out.

So when I splat them in the face and scare them away it hurts my spirit.  My mother likes to remind me that as a child I couldn't care less of what others thought. I'd shrug my shoulders, say "their loss" and run off to the next exciting thing.

I'm thinking she has to still be in me somewhere, this little girl.  I'm looking for her. I'm digging up old photos and laughing at her antics.  I'm hoping she will teach me how to love myself enough to say, "their loss."

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." - source unknown

Please enjoy my May wall paper. It's free to download here.

shy girl

Here's how it all happened.

Andre the Greek had an intervention with me. This isn't a rare thing. Andre is prone to telling people exactly what he thinks they need to be doing with their life. He's outspoken, on account of him being Greek and all. The Greeks aren't a shy bunch.

So there was an intervention.

"I just don't get it.", I said.

"You need to talk more." Andre instructed.

"And don't stand like that with your arm crossed. You look pissed."

My whole life I'd been called the Ice Queen, snotty, reticent. I was quintessentially, wholly, frustratingly, misunderstood.

What I really am is shy. And if you aren't shy yourself, let me just define for you what is it to be shy.

Imagine yourself in a ballroom surrounded by beautiful people and you are standing in the middle in a bathing suit that is too small, with split ends and gnarly troll toes and a massive muffin top.

Yep, that just about covers it. So when you stand there with your arms crossed it's because you are trying to hold your boobs in, not because you are pissed.

But I had missed out on friendships. I had missed out on a lot of life. And it was time to change.

"I'm turning over a new leaf!" I announced.

But in their hearts, no one believed me. Hell, I didn't even believe me.

I started small. I talked more. I introduced myself to one new person a week.

It's been almost four years of Project New Leaf. The Ice Queen is almost melted away. Sadly though, it hasn't gotten a whole lot easier for me. I still want to crawl back into my shell. And I want my shell to be stocked with art supplies and cup cakes.

The problem lies in my approach. It's problematic. I have a hard time gauging how much of myself to share. More often than not, I hit people like a paintball to the face. (Robin's egg blue paint of course.) They stand with wide eyes and their hair blown back trying to process what has happened. I want to be like a waft of exotic perfume. Something floral and spicy with just enough scent to leave people on their tip toes searching for just one more whiff.

It's a hard thing for me. I stand back and watch those of you out there that are naturals and I wonder if you know what a gift you have. Charisma.

But I'm holding on tight to my new leaf. It usually takes me three miles of running before I hit my stride. Someday I'll figure it all out.

And for now, I can continue to hide behind my beloved monitor in my too tight swimsuit and speak freely without my usual insecurities. 

I promise to only hit you with a paintball post every now and then.