Wednesday, June 24, 2009

regret


Dear Bead Shop Girl-

I am writing here because I am the gutless wonder. I am writing because I cannot sleep. I wish I could rewind the day.

You may not recognize me by my name. Come to think of it, I don't know your name either. But we do know each other. We love to talk shop when I come in. You give me the inside scoop on what's new and beautiful in gems and findings. I fill you in on what fun things I've found in my travels. We speak the same language. We get each other.

I was excited to come by today and bring Amelie. I knew that our babies would be about the same age. I remember when you told me you were having a girl. You beamed.

Please forgive me. Please forgive my stupid, callous remarks.

"You lost the baby? Weren't you kind of far along? Wow that's hard. When can you start trying again?"

Who says these things? Who is that insensitive? There I stood with my pink, bright eyed, cooing, healthy baby. There you stood with empty arms.

If I could have put my own discomfort to the side, I would have taken your hand in mine and looked you straight in the eye and just said, "I am sorry."

Because I am. I know the pain of empty arms and there are no words that can make that go away, but I want you to know that I'm here and I can't sleep because I'm wishing ever so badly that I could rewind the day.

What I'd give to rewind the day.

Sincerely,
April

11 comments:

Kroegers Calling said...

As one who frequently regrets the comments that continue to fall out of my mouth before my brain can catch them, I woould have to say that unless you have banished yourself from the store, there is always the opportunity to say I'm Sorry.

Alamodey said...

De-lurking here to say as one who's been on her end of things, I'm willing to bet what you've said here, even passed quietly to her in a card, would mean the world to her, and would lift the load from your shoulders.

That said, these are normal reactions. When confronted with something so devastating, its hard to know what to say. I'm sure she won't hold it against you.

I love your blog, and the pictures of your sweet Amelie are making me wonder if it's time to brave the doctor's office, tests and pills again.

FitToSeeJane said...

I agree, pass her a card. It will clear the air if it bothered her, and if it didn't it won't hurt anything.

anne said...

Simply say I'm sorry. It's simple, heartfelt and straight to the point. It also leaves the door open if she wants to talk about it and if she doesn't then you've said enough. :)

Mama Marks said...

april, we all have motor mouth at times (and usually when we don't know what to say) i agree with the girls above, a little note or card will make you feel better, but also quite possibly mean so much to bead shop girl xx

Loudlife said...

Oh, sister, we all make mistakes like that sometimes. Go back quick, before the apology grows into a giant, looming, insurmountable boulder of a thing - as apologies are wont to do. She sounds so nice, I'm sure it will all be fine.

Wendy said...

I have not been to your blog in TOO long. Congratulations on Amelia. I am SO HAPPY for you. She is adorable and you are perfect for her.

Abbeysmum said...

If you choose a card, you can write and edit the wording until it is short, sensitive and genuine. Something that doesn't happen when you try to explain in person, you often dig yourself into a deeper hole.Just be honest and say you were shocked and didn't mean to say something insensitive.
If you are in the shop sometime when it isn't busy, you could ask if she would like to hold Amelie while you take a good look at some special things.Contrary to what some people think, holding a baby after such a loss can be just what the person may want.Peace be upon you.

emily said...

Oh April, I know how you feel. I did that once with a friend whose baby died of sids. I couldn't stop thinking about it and so after about a week I called her and apologized. She really appreciated it. I don't think it would hurt to go back in and apologize. I sooo know how you feel.

Laura said...

oh honey..it happens...you are not an unkind, selfish woman...and yes, you DO know the pain. It is oK.

if it helps...I asked a neighbor if she had ever seen the movie THE BREAK UP,and I went on and on about how I loved it...

after I stopped talking, she let me know that she had just filed for divorce THAT MORNING.

oops.

Johnny said...

I've had those words said to me after having lost a premie.