for the record

Henry Wyatt 10 weeks old

I've been thinking about infertility. Not sure why.

I don't have any grand bit of wisdom to impart.  I don't understand the complex emotions involved. I can't tell you how to deal with it.

But I know I made it through something like twelve years of wanting a child.  I know I am now standing on the other side of that trial and au revoir to that thankyouverymuch.

As I sit here on my sofa typing this, with slobber spots on my pants and little finger prints all over the furniture, these are the things that come to my mind. It's not wisdom. It's just what I know.

The joy we experienced when our children finally arrived was equal to, and may have even exceeded, the sorrow we felt at our darkest moments.

Unlike childbirth, you never forget the pain of not being able to have a child.

Just because you wanted children for much longer than most people doesn't mean your kids won't drive you up the wall. Just because you went through hell to get them here doesn't mean they will appreciate it. At the end of the day, you are just a parent like any other.

Refraining from buying baby things until you are pregnant is just a silly way of trying to insulate your feelings. Go ahead and buy stuff. It will put you ahead of the game when it finally happens.  Wanting those little baby things means you still have hope.

Feeling bitter and nasty towards others who are having babies is completely normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. However, if you behave badly in these circumstances, down the road the bitterness you feel will be of regret.

When you have infertility you must think of it as a war. You will loose battles. It will be expensive.  Plans will be made and then cast aside for new plans.  If you want to win, you will not retreat.  You will regroup and press forward.

And you will need a good mate for the fox hole. If this relationship isn't right, you might want to lay low and reconsider.

Here's the last thing I know. It took me years to realize this. In fact, it only dawned on me a few months ago.  I could never figure out why I had to go through infertility. What was I supposed to learn? Why was that part of my life path?

Here's what I know today. I had to experience infertility to lead me to adoption. I had to wait for my adopted children because at the time I started wanting them their birth mother was only fourteen. My children were to be born by this girl and only this girl. That was the plan. Sometimes the Lord has to work with logistics.

I'm not at all sure why I am writing this today.  Maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear this? I don't know.

But I'm writing it down. For the record.

a dog with a stick

I'm going to admit something here that a few of you might find shameful.  

Whenever a news report comes on about the devastation in Japan I turn it off. I turn away.  

I don't let myself think about the people who are suffering. It's a totally selfish thing on my part and I know it.  It's just that there has been a fair amount of sadness happening to people close to me.  Sometimes I feel like I can only allow so much sadness in.  There's a tipping point when I become overwhelmed.  

Right now I feel that my efforts are best spent helping those standing before me.  So I change the channel.

But yesterday I listened. Just for a while.  I heard the story of Taylor Anderson, an American girl, who was only 24. Taylor taught elementary school in Ishinomaki.  When the earthquake hit, she made sure all the children where picked up safely by their parents before she left.  She was last seen riding her bike down the road, away from the school.  Her body was found some days later.

Taylor Anderson

So as I was driving and listening it all came home to roost.  The loss. The devastation.  The despair.  Taylor's mother.

I choked up. Couldn't breath.

At this moment, when I was beginning to think that the world was all a big piece of crap, with terrible happenings to everyone, all the time, I happened to glance over and see a woman walking her dog.

He was a big fat black labrador retriever.  And he had a huge stick in his mouth.  The stick was probably three times as long as his body and had lots of branches jetting out all over it.  He could barely weld such an unruly prize, but the pure joy written across his face was plain as day.  The curve at the corners of his lips and the twinkle in his eye were so completely infectious that I loss my train of thought and began to smile.

His tail was wagging a million miles a minute, causing his entire back end sway,  which made it even harder for him to lug the stick. But oh he was a happy dog. A dog with a stick.

And in that moment I was reminded of a life truth.  We must live in the moment. We must enjoy today.

Crap happens everyday.  Small inconveniences. Tragic occurrences.   No one is immune.

But we have a choice.  If we are given something unruly to bear we can lay down and whine or we can smile and wag our tail and lug that damn trial around until it is taken away.

Sometimes I hate my dog Finn.  But I think I will keep him around because dogs have a way to teaching you stuff.

Like how to be happy.

i don't know

download this image here

I have two friends struggling with life right now.  One girl lives thousands of miles away. The other lives very close.  One girl has been my good friend for some years. I meet the other girl through this blog but we have never met in person. One friend has a wayward husband, the other a wayward teen.  Both friends mean a lot to me.

In the last week, both these friends have come to me with their trials.  They have laid them at my feet.  I have listened to the desperation in their voices. I have worried and fretted along with them.

And I feel so very inadequate. I have no experience regarding the issues they are facing.  I don't know why they have been given such heavy burdens. I just don't know.  And I've told them as such.

I've been thinking and thinking of something wise or profound to say to these friends to make a small difference. I've racked my brain. I've got nothing.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly I have learned in this life.  I find myself, more often than not, simply perplexed by what goes on.  I know people that have the gift of perspective. They always seem to be able to help me see things a little clearer. I'm not one of these people. I usually make things worse by saying, "Man, that sucks" or "I just don't get it."

So, after much thought, I decided to create a little graphic for them.  It's a small offering considering the magnitude of the issues they are facing. I don't know how to solve their problems. But I know they will need courage for the battle.

I wish I could wrap up courage in a box and give it to them. Instead I will remind them to find it within themselves everyday.

And I'll be here to listen when they need to talk.

You are free to download my graphic too. Put it on your mirror or fridge or tucked away where only you can see it.  

"Courage dosen't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher

coming home

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Let me set the scene.

Sugar Daddy pitted against a large L.A. firm with lawyers so slick their suits glimmered in the sunshine. It was an ugly, personal struggle. It was family members on either side of the fight. Millions were at stake and an 85 year old mother was relying on Ben and his partner to bring justice to light.

This is what it meant to our family:

No daddy for three weeks.

He worked all day every day and I awoke in the wee hours of the night to find him finally returned to me, tired and beat.

In the morning he'd be long gone.Yesterday was magical. Yesterday Sugar Daddy, the love of my life, a talented lawyer and amazing father, triumphed.

Yesterday the jury saw through all the fancy foot work of the L.A. firm and delivered justice.

Dearest,

Come home now. I feel like you have been away at war. I know you are weary. Let me hold your head in my lap and kiss your temples. The children need to hold your hand and feel your presence. We need you
back. We have missed you.

Well done Counselor.

-A-