Monday, June 20, 2011

for the record

Henry Wyatt 10 weeks old

I've been thinking about infertility. Not sure why.

I don't have any grand bit of wisdom to impart.  I don't understand the complex emotions involved. I can't tell you how to deal with it.

But I know I made it through something like twelve years of wanting a child.  I know I am now standing on the other side of that trial and au revoir to that thankyouverymuch.

As I sit here on my sofa typing this, with slobber spots on my pants and little finger prints all over the furniture, these are the things that come to my mind. It's not wisdom. It's just what I know.

The joy we experienced when our children finally arrived was equal to, and may have even exceeded, the sorrow we felt at our darkest moments.

Unlike childbirth, you never forget the pain of not being able to have a child.

Just because you wanted children for much longer than most people doesn't mean your kids won't drive you up the wall. Just because you went through hell to get them here doesn't mean they will appreciate it. At the end of the day, you are just a parent like any other.

Refraining from buying baby things until you are pregnant is just a silly way of trying to insulate your feelings. Go ahead and buy stuff. It will put you ahead of the game when it finally happens.  Wanting those little baby things means you still have hope.

Feeling bitter and nasty towards others who are having babies is completely normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. However, if you behave badly in these circumstances, down the road the bitterness you feel will be of regret.

When you have infertility you must think of it as a war. You will loose battles. It will be expensive.  Plans will be made and then cast aside for new plans.  If you want to win, you will not retreat.  You will regroup and press forward.

And you will need a good mate for the fox hole. If this relationship isn't right, you might want to lay low and reconsider.

Here's the last thing I know. It took me years to realize this. In fact, it only dawned on me a few months ago.  I could never figure out why I had to go through infertility. What was I supposed to learn? Why was that part of my life path?

Here's what I know today. I had to experience infertility to lead me to adoption. I had to wait for my adopted children because at the time I started wanting them their birth mother was only fourteen. My children were to be born by this girl and only this girl. That was the plan. Sometimes the Lord has to work with logistics.

I'm not at all sure why I am writing this today.  Maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear this? I don't know.

But I'm writing it down. For the record.


laurie said...

I have a cousin whom I am going recommend she read this blog post, she has one child and really wants another, but it doesn't seem to be took her many years to get pregnant with the little boy that she loves dearly and now the clock is ticking and she feels like time is running out. Maybe this post will help her :0

kim hartmann said...

I am the one who needed to read that today. Thank you :)

Erin said...

Beustiful post. I have so many friends suffering through infertility...thank you for your amazing message. :)

Jill said...

i needed to read that. over and over. thank you, april.
we just started insemination and while i want to have heaps and heaps of hope, i find myself not able to be completely happy because the chances of it not working are just too real for me right now. your thoughts are just what i needed and i appreciate you putting it all out there on your blog. thank you.

Cara said...

Thank you for sharing this. I found the perfect highchair this weekend and didn't buy it because I was scared of having it around. I think I may go get it now. Thank you.

Lindsey Johnson said...

Love this.

Right after I miscarried with my first pregnancy, I was so bitter and resentful towards all the women who were still pregnant and having babies. I had a hard time going to baby showers and feeling happy for my friends. Wish I'd read this back then because it did happen and kids are wonderful and do make up for all the hard times when you're wanting and hoping.

Shane, Meg, CJ, RJ, and AL said...

Love everything you write, but especially the stuff that brought me to know you (via the internets kind of know) -- that having to do with hoping for motherhood. Thank you for sharing. Definitely going to pass this lovely post along!

Kari said...

I was thinking about that just yesterday (that was Sunday, right?) and realized, now that my boy is seven, that the wait had everything to do with him and much less to do with me. It's his life. There was a time and season for him to be born and it had nothing to do with my being ready or my wanting. His life--influence, lessons, impact, friends, experiences--was to come along when it was right for him.

And it's so much easier to see those things from this side of the battle.

Mimi said...

Beautiful post. I have been blessed that I have been given the exact children I needed in life. Ones that challenge me and make me grow in all the directions I didn't know I needed growth in. My children are not perfect but they are perfect for me. I have several friends whose path to their children was very different than mine and to each I have always said that you will be given the family you are intended to have...and that is exactly the way it has been.

Your words are wise!!

patty said...

thank you for sharing...
very thought provoking and the comments as well.

Diaper Diva said...

Thank you for your honesty. Loved this post.