Monday, April 19, 2010

now freak out

Henry 1 Month

Henry 1 Month

Well, I've kept calm and carried on. I think I just might be able to swing this whole thing.

It really helps that my children are so beautiful they melt my heart. That's one of the perks about adopting. You can brag about how cute your kids are without any implication that you, yourself are in someway responsible.

I did have a moment this evening when I felt compelled to do a little sketching and Amelie wouldn't leave me alone. I think the fear I have over mothering these two babies isn't in my ability to take good care of them. I think it lies with the fact that I am really afraid that I'll loose my temper. In mom guilt world, loosing your temper equals failure for the day.

I haven't worked out in like, sheesh, months. I have roots so long people are making comments about my natural hair color. I have a hag hair growing out of my chin and chipped paint on my toenails.

The last thing I need is to feel like a failure on top of all the other ugliness going on.

So I think I will take the advice of one of my dear readers and cry a little in the bathtub (while I shave my legs, I look like a lumberjack) and eat a little chocolate and spend some me time in my studio everyday. With the door locked.

And then I will come out and hug my babies and count my blessing and keep my temper in check.



That's my grand plan anyway.


Sometimes, however, you must fail to succeed.

17 comments:

Sharon said...

And while you are shaving your legs, and munching on your chocolate...listen...you will hear God's sweet voice whispering to your soul reminding you how loved you are-and how He choose just you to be those sweet babies' mommy...shhh...listen...

Oh, and those fears, I think they are normal mommy fears-at least that's what I told myself when I was crying in the bathtub, shaving my legs, and eating chocolate!

Stef said...

Honey, as far as I'm concerned, if you make it into the bathtub AND shave your legs and you still have chocolate lying around to spare, your day is far FAR from a failure!

And your babies are indeed beautiful.

MerryWA said...

My "babies" are now 13 & 16 years old, and I may need a permit before I shave my legs as my tacful husband says I may be breaking "old growth forest logging rules"!!

My advice is just breathe and realize you are an inspiration to many silent readers in blog-land!

Elizabeth said...

Oh, his white, white skin with just the faintest hint of pink -- your babies are indeed beautiful.

I hope you can manage to restore yourself each day. (Good luck with that!)

sweetmango said...

Stef LOL I agree!!
MerryWA LOLOL "old growth forest logging rules" your husband made me laugh, tell him thank you!
April you are exactly what you should be...perfectly imperfect.
I understand and I think you are doing wonderful, all of you are. All of us are.
xxmichelle

Amy said...

Oh Motherhood! That gliding, tipping, swirling ride of emotion. The bits of us come apart and we sit alone sometimes and try to piece ourselves back together to just try to remember who we once were. But it is pointless. We will never be the same again. Love breaks and glues us back different, and eating chocolate, combine-harvesting our hairy legs and sharing the bath tub with 3 rubber ducks and spatula seems like the most normal thing in the world for a mother to do. Blessings be heaped your way x

brooke said...

you are so blessed...henry is so adorable...

Jenny said...

It's funny how you can feel like maybe you are doing an alright job one minute and then feel like a failure the next minute. With me it always involves losing my temper and yelling so loudly that I don't even recognize my own voice. Luckily that doesn't happen TOO often. I think "me" time is highly underrated. Sometimes it's the only way to preserve your sanity. Well, that and a lot of prayer.

michelle said...

My youngest is 8 and I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs. And I've learned to stop yelling. It doesn't work and gives me a headache.

After all are tucked in, I eat hot wings in bed instead

karen said...

It's the experience that every mother shares. If only you knew that while you were experiencing it instead of after.........

Jeanette said...

My daughter is 24 and I can tell you, it never ends. Trying to always be a good mother, the mother you feel you should be, the one you want to be, it's a lifelong journey. Henry is so beautiful.

Surfk9s@msn.com said...

We will never be the perfect Mother in our minds but in our children's mind we can do nothing wrong. With lots of love, praise, full bellies all is good. Just smile and know that there are lots of Mom's just like you thinking the same thing. You are a beautiful Mother and the fact that you care so much speaks VOLUMES! Hang in there! XOXO

the emily said...

I just had my third baby but there is 3 1/2 years inbetween her and her brother... I cannot imagine doing what you're doing! My sister-in-law adopted a baby when she was 4 months pregnant so she had a similar situation and it was hard, but totally doable. You can do it! Good luck!

Molly said...

That baby is gorgeous! I need one! Hopefully soon! His face is so peaceful and calm! Oh he's precious, congrats chicky!!
~Molly P

Michelle Springer said...

Buahahaha! This made me laugh out loud. You crack me up! Get to work on making me one of those BEAUTIFUL butterfly necklaces I saw on Liz's blog. SO AMAZING!!

Hill Family said...

April, you do not have time to blog! I'm glad you did anyways! Love that baby. I pushed mine out fast, but at least had 9 months to prepare. You are amazing!

robyncal said...

Oh your Henry is soooo sweet and gorgeous! Congratulations on having all your family home. I am sure that feels amazing! Looking forward to reading more, when you have time to write.