Tuesday, February 08, 2011

a special kind of stupid

The problem is that I'm never satisfied.  That's the core issue.

I'm not thin enough, charming enough, talented enough, rich enough, perky enough (did I really just admit to wanting to be perky?), reserved enough or smart enough.

What I am today is never enough.  It's one of my many personality flaws that I am willing fess-up to, but I will probably never do anything about.  Because I'm lazy too.

But on with my story.

I get really excited about chemical peels. Because, you know, my skin is never smooth enough.  I love the idea of singeing off the dead, grossness that is holding me captive in ugliesville. Dramatic? Maybe.

So last Friday Shannon came over with her bag of tricks, and while speaking to me in a soothing voice about marketing and other such trivialities, she fried off the top layer of my face.  Then we had some guacamole and chocolate covered strawberries. It was delightful.

But today, well, the delight has fizzled and I'm a little worried that should I use any of the muscles in my face, my skin might crack open and leave huge gaping fissures.  I'm like the girl in the mask.  I can't carry on the way I usually do with all the laughing and yelling and general rowdiness. I'm talking to my children very softly through very tight lips.

The silver lining is that this new quiet way of mothering has scared the hell out of my kids.  I'm fairly sure they think I've finally gone over the proverbial edge I've been screeching about for years.

And here's another thing that needs getting to the bottom of:

I am never cool enough.

My theory goes a little something like this:

I have this incredible knack for making friends with super duper, over-the-top, talented and suave people.  I swear I sniff them out like a pig to a truffle.  Even my friends who are fundamentally just geeks are the coolest kind of indie/anarchist geeks around. Or so it seems.

So the whole time I'm with these people I feel like a groupie.  And I don't want to be a groupie.

With the exception of Sugar Daddy. I'll be his groupie any day of the week and twice on Sundays. (Wow, that sounded a little racy.)

Sometimes I lay in bed and analyze this whole cool factor thing.  And to be honest, I do a little positive self talk "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me.  I too, can be an anarchist if I felt like it."

It's not that I have low self-esteem. As we learned yesterday, that's generally not a problem for bloggers.

So I was thinking maybe I could go see a shrink and talk this over.  There might be some insight there. Then again, I'd probably spend the entire time on the couch marveling at how smart the doctor is worrying that should I start to cry over my inadequacies, my singed face might crack and leave a scar.

And I couldn't have that happen because I'm really excited to see how this whole chemical peel thing turns out.  I think I'll skip the shrink this week and just eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's on my own couch.

I'm quite positive it takes a special kind of stupid to publicly display your personal demons this way, but I also know I needed a Tuesday post.

I can't let my readership drop. A girl can never have enough readers.


Jennifer said...

I think you're really cool, and I am the groupie who reads your blog daily. And we all know that she who has the most groupies, wins...right? Well maybe not, but I bet it's still fun.

Rebecka said...

You ARE cool!
Some of us... me... lay in bed wondering how we (I) can be as cool as you are.
So even if all the uber-creative-coolness is just a cover to try to fit in, it's workin' for ya.

And a pint of phish food is much cheaper than a shrink- and you can share if you wanna.

Shanny said...

Oh how I love facials!!!! I too, feel as though I am inadequate in everything. I think everyone feels that way sometimes. You are super duper creative though, beautiful & funny (and I have never met you and I know this). Smile...you are definately good enough!


Molly said...

Cool, cool, cool! I always wonder if I'm cool enough or if people like me, ha ha. But I love myself so if I'm cool for me than I'm cool for you!
~Molly P

Kari said...

Do Not underestimate the psychological powers of Ben & Jerry's. Hope your face is okay--I've always thought it was quite lovely.

Anonymous said...

Seriously! I don't even know you and want to be you or like you...! You are talented and beautiful. I'll just go back to lurking. Have a great day.

Laurie said...

What an honest post today, I think we all have those days when we think we are not good enough...you are fine just the way you are, and I also read your blog everyday and think it's the most interesting blog out there, you are a very talented writer. I look forward to every post and especially your artwork. :)

jeny said...

I just posted something similar on my blog. http://www.jenypenny.com/2011/02/passion-great-motivator.html

Never enough is a trait I share. I am not sure of a solution yet. I read your blog everyday. I like the honesty.

margie said...

funny funny girl...
you are more than enough...
in so many ways...

Kate said...

This happens to me too! I feel like I'm not enough. It's so weird, it's like a little demon standing on my shoulder. I literally have to block him out and constantly give my self pep talks. I'm glad I'm not the only one who isn't enough!

Hi Octane Jewelry said...

Nice a chemical peel and questioning the world of your cool factor. I enjoy your rants, creativity and feel like you justify that what I trying to do is ok. Can't wait to see the new skin. I need a age spot remover have any thing for that? See you next silver play day I have been busy with wax.

the emily said...

YES! yes yes yes yes yes. I feel this way a lot. I have fantastic fabulous beautiful talented friends and I'm not sure where I fit. But really, if you're not cool enough, I'm REALLY not cool enough. I bring nothing to the table.

Teresa said...

I totally love your blog! I check in every day. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. (that may not be gramatically correct...)

tollestrupfamily said...

Umm....as I put on my shrink hat I think it is because you are a "new"artist. I say that because in the last 6 years I have seen you blossom like a rose - yes I did just utter that insanely trite comment but it just fits when I think of you. April was amazing before but now she's stepped it up to the level of Aprah. Just like when you move to a new area it takes you a while to find your footing and own your new space I think unlocking the amazing artist in you takes some time to sink in just how amazing you actually are. I know I see it and when I do see your talents I feel 3 things - amazed, tired and proud that I am friends (way more than groupie status) with this girl and somewhat awed and inspired by her at the same time.

Yep that's how I feel. I will now remove the shrink hat and put on the tired mother of 6 whose most artistic moment came when she painted semi gloss on top of flat paint in her kitchen to cover little kids artwork hat.

Anonymous said...

I'm currently seeing a shrink for this type of thing and today I learned although validation from my friends or comments in my blog ;) are wonderful and helpful, the validation has to come from within to have a truly lasting affect. There was a good article about contentment in the ensign last month. I'm right there with ya trying to figure it out. :) ps I think you're amazing too!

april said...

I really wasn't fishing for compliments when I wrote this post. Really.

But I have to say, I think just writing it down and then having people comment and validate my feelings has been very therapeutic.

You have all saved me from spending a lot of money on a shrink and a lot of unneeded Ben and Jerry's calories.

shawna lynne henrie said...

ive seen a shrink, ive had numerous chemical peels where my face feels like it is literally on fire, laser treatments where it looks as if i was blasted with a shotgun (and not sure if it all really did any good)...and ive had lots of feelings of inadequacy (did i say lots?). so, guess what...you are completely NORMAL...and a pretty darn good lady whos got it goin on. keep it up, girl!

HeHe24 said...

Loved your post. Just a word of advice through experience: buy yourself a Clarasonic brush. Today. If you're at all worried about your skin, it will the best investment you ever, ever made. My skin improved 200% after a month with my Clarasonic. It's soft, the little lines are finer, the texture is gorgeous, my skin glows. I just can't tell how important they are to keep your skin beautiful for a lifetime. And it's always better to start skin care when you're young, than to wait until you're old to start taking care of it! So, go get one now!