Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the gutless wonder writes again

Dear Linda-

I have been coming to the post office twice a week, every week for a few years now. Why is it that you insist on acting like you don't know me? Why is it that you ask to see a business card proving that I am, in fact, Secondsister Jewelry every time I ship internationally?

I know that I may look different from time to time. On occasion I do come in, sweaty, with a bandanna on my head. Sometimes I look like a frumpy mother of twenty with my hair pulled back in a sharp bun, apron and no make-up. I can also look like I just stepped out of a fashion mag with sixties eyeliner and platform wedgies. What can I say? I'm an eclectic kind of gal.

And I do tend to wear sunglasses. I mean this is sunny Southern Cal. However, unlike in the movies, wearing sunglasses does not prevent people from recognizing me.

I know, that you know, exactly who I am.

And would it kill you to make a little small talk? Are you not at all curious as to what kind of jewelry I'm shipping? Where I all of a sudden acquired three little Mexican kids? If I'm having a nice day?

I understand that working at the post office can be trying. What's that people say about "going postal"? And I know you must be bitterly disappointed that your crush on Dale didn't come to anything. (Don't think I didn't notice) I'm pretty sure you just aren't his type. He likes women who, you know, smile and all.

I usually try to work it so that I end up in Dale's line, but I have a plan for you Linda. Next time I come in I will be sporting a black eye and greasy matted hair. I will fill out the customs sheet to declare that I am shipping one bloody toe and a few loose teeth. Value? One gold crown worth $45. I will be showing the photo ID of my good friend Metre, who is fifty-two and African -American. I will look you strait in the eye, hand you a ball of dirty wadded up dollars and tell you that no, I'm not shipping anything flammable, hazardous or restricted.

If then, dear Linda, you still have nothing to say to me, well, I'll let you be, and rest assured that you are, in fact, a lobotomy recipient.

Much Love,

April (you know who)

For more letters from the Gutless Wonder, click here.


Kroegers Calling said...

I hadn't heard about the bloody toe secondsister line. I am thinking it is darker than the adoption line, but hey good luck in all!

jody said...

I have never read your blog...I came here from another....I have my hair in a ponytail, on my second cup of coffee after car pool line, sitting at the kitchen counter---LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!! I think I have your postal workers sister in the south! I have often wondered why no one has thought of drive up windows at the postal office??? But who would want to miss out standing in line forever-with children and packages--too funny! thanks for the laugh!

Rebecca said...

That is hysterical. Everyone should try writing letters to the people that annoy us. You are so funny. I love your blog.

Amy said...

LOL!!!! I KNOW her!!!! She is horrible!!!!add my name please

Light and Writing said...

soooo funny! my new favorite thing, this gutless wonder!

April(you know who) <--comic genius!

Laura said...

I think you should ask Linda to do a guest post on your blog. You know, since she knows you so well.

truly blessed said...

OMW, that was hilarious! Don't we all know people exactly like that? I wonder if the attendant at the Marshall's fitting room yesterday was named Linda?

This is my first time to visit your blog. On that post alone I'm going to have to add this to my favs. :)

Thanks for the smile!

brooke said...

uummm...this is hilarious! new here...but I will be hangin around b/c i like to have a good time and your blog seems to help me do that! thanks for the friday smile!

oneordinaryday said...

I just found your blog and enjoyed your gutless wonder letter.
I, however, have the opposite problem. I have a very creepy, over-talkative clerk that I try to avoid like the plague when I go shopping. Talking to him makes the hair on my neck stand up! I should write HIM a letter. :)