Saturday, January 31, 2009

alligator tears

Its a beautiful day here in Cali. The sun is beating down with all it's might and the winds are swirling around to create the perfect temperature. The birds as singing and we are talking about grilling up some king crab legs for dinner. And me? Well I feel like plucking off all the warbling birds with a bb gun, shutting all the blinds and eating Crisco from the can. In my world, today is grey and ugly.

I didn't think I'd ever be in this place again. I thought my angry infertility days were a thing of the past. Today proved me wrong. I'm just down right pissed.

If one more person says "oh don't worry, it will happen" I may just reach down their throat and rearrange their organs.

I laid on my bed and cried alligator tears. Why alligator? Because I am not only weak with sadness I am also ready to bite the head of anyone who crosses my path. You know what they say about wounded animals. Sugar Daddy laid beside me and rubbed my back unaware that any false move and he could have lost an arm.

This too shall pass. If I've learned one thing it is that time goes on and things iron themselves out. Besides, I must pull myself together for Monday's post. Suaviloquy is turning one and I have a super fun give away for you. I'll get right on that after I eat an entire tub of chunky monkey ice cream and sleep for 20 hours.


If you are wondering what you can do to cheer me up, I'm taking chocolate donations. Please send them c/o Infertile Myrtle.

16 comments:

Postcards and Coasters said...

I'm sorry your having the infertile blues! They do suck!! But have hope... my little Charlotte was an unexpected surprise. One of my friends introduced us to CC's birth mother.

You just need to pray for a young girl to get knocked up! ;) I hope that made you smile.

And good luck with the China adoption. I traveled to China and Tibet a few years ago and fell in love with those adorable children.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I thought angry infertility girl was gone from me too, but sometimes she surfaces and I am surprised at the anger that is still there. And sadness too. I don't know why this process has to be so hard(and long). I really don't.

Sorry.

hmstrjam said...

yum yum chubby monkey! cheer up, smile! what's that saying, it's always the darkest before it's light...

Jill said...

You and I must be on the same mood cycle because I'm feeling the exact same way the past few days. Angry and completely ticked that becoming a mother has to be so damn difficult for some of us! WHY? I had myself a good cry the other night and feel another one coming on. Plus, I've completely broken all my diet and exercise goals this week; my skin has apparently decided to revert back to the state of a 13 year old; and my baby girl is turning 9 this week. I feel like CRAP!

If I lived closer, I'd load up my car with chocolate cupcakes, ice cream and anything else in sight, head over in my PJS and join you for our own well deserved pity party!

Someday, if and when we get to heaven, we're gonna bust our way to the front of the line, arm in arm, and get some answers! Answers to such questions as "Why can stupid people all over the world have 15 million children and not appreciate them?"

I love you!

DomestiKatie. said...

i don't know how you feel, but i will say that i am having the yearning for a little one, but i'm frustrated and discouraged by the fact that it's going to be years before my husband has any sort of schedule that permits him to play any role resembling doting father. he's in med school (read: insanely busy) and we live so far away from anyone we know that i'd be utterly and completely alone- and broke.
i keep telling myself "one day", but i still cry everytime i see a mommy and daughter commercial or even photograph, and when any of my friends post pictures of their pregnant bellies on facebook, i want to break my computer.

hubby even played the lottery last week, just to see if he could give me my little ten-toed hearts desire any sooner.
we didn't win.
i just have to be patient. and i hate it.

until then, i'm an overworked, underpaid nanny. but i get to tuck in two tiny little boys each night. that helps, for now.

Krista said...

you don't know me. and there aren't right words. i'm just sorry. really really sorry.

p.s. do you have an address for infertile myrtle? i've just found the most delicious chocolate chocolate brownie ice-cream and would love to send her some. that is--after i go buy more. i at the whole gallon tonight. (not even lying)

JanMary said...

Can't begin to imagine your pain.

Hugs and prayers from across the Atlantic (where we have B&J Chunky Monkey too!)

Renee said...

Hi April...hmmm,maybe I shouldn't post again since I think I may have said those exact words which I know must be so hard to hear,but don't lose faith...it will happen.I wish it wasn't so difficult for people.I know that I am blessed in this way.Hopefully your turn will come soon.Maybe you should somehow try to focus on just the positive thoughts...get rid of all that bad karma to make way for the good things in life.Ok,so I don't know if this is making you feel better,but just know that my intentions are to try to make you feel better. :)

liz r. said...

I went through infertility and rage was a huge part of it. It is just a hard, hard time. Take it easy on yourself, if you can. Hugs to you.

wendy said...

Dang I wish I had something "meaningful" to say to you in regards to your sadness and frustrations. You have every right to be pissed (we just need to BE that once in awhile) Pissyness makes us fee like we can move on afterwards. Do you want chocolate with or without nuts!! I'll do what I can.

Carrie said...

I am not going to tell you "don't worry" or "it will happen" but just that I have walked much of the same path as you and I feel your pain. I too, have one child (she is 8 now) and have been unable to have another :( It kills me to watch her playing at the park or in the backyard by herself and the fact that she doesn't have the bond that brother's and sister's have. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and we are so blessed in so many other ways. Everyone has their moments and I think to it great that you can express your thoughts so openly! I am sure you help alot of people know they are not alone in what they are going through. Thanks!

elizabethwilliams said...

sending comforting thoughts your way.

Jess said...

from one stranger to another....oh, I have been there...infertility was my darkest hour....it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant, and nobody could say the right thing....the only thing that helped me was taking the time to be completely selfish....eating ice cream for dinner, buying flowers for myself...whatever works....prayers to you. -jess

Kroegers Calling said...

In the last six months, I have lost a house I loved, moved, a husband that has had two kidney surguries and lost his job 3 weeks before Christmas, a daughter that is struggling in school, and no income for over two months. What I have learned is tomorrow is a new day. Things aren't better, I don't know when they will be, but tomorrow is a new day.

Jennifer said...

April-
I am so sad that you are sad. I know I don't know your pain but please do know that you are so loved, admired, and nearly envied by me and so many others for the many gifts and an air of artful sophistication I only aspire to. There are days when I would like to give you one of mine. Please don't be hurt by my joke. I really do wish I could give you what your heart desires. Be kind to yourself and know that you are loved.

tawny said...

Don't ever apologize for alligator tears..those are part of life's neccesities!! You are a strong person and a strong mother...I admire your strength so much. Thx for letting me check out your blog...you are SO talented.